I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
