I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
