your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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