Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
