I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
