Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Congratulations! We have a period
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