I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Randomize
