I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
