On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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