im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
