This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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