while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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