you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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