after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
