It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
