next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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