Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
