when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
