The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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