At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
