I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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