also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
