The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
