I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
