I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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