it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
