At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
