Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
