Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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