I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just found puke in my bra..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
