Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
