I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
