I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
