I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
