Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I puked a lego.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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