I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
