I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
