hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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