i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you had me at cake vodka
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
