I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
