I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
