I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's the barista slut.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
