Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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