If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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