we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why did my mother make you get naked?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
