Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
