the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
