he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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