if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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