"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
